January 11, 2015
Modest proposal (Satire)
It has come to my concern that obesity is starting to become a worldwide crisis. Obesity is something that too many people have suffered from and it isn't getting better anytime soon. That is why we have to step forward and do something about this. Heart disease is the number one killer in the United States. As you know heart disease can be caused by many things including lack of proper health and obesity. My proposal is to make a law or amendment that people need to take to promise that they will not eat junk food. If they break this amendment then they will be punished. The result of people taking this amendment is that it will condense the amount of junk food they eat and they will be healthier/happier with their new selves. This would be a very effective way that will guarantee a diminish in the amount of people suffering with obesity.
Someone might object that people can’t help eating because they have an eating disorder. In this case, these people should use this eating disorder to an advantage. There is no problem with the fact that they eat an extraordinary amount of food, but they should make the food they consume to be healthy food like fruits and vegetables. I find this a very effective way to turn a dreadful thing into an excellent thing. This will increase the amount of healthy food in their diet and thus decrease the chance of heart disease and ultimately obesity. The real solution to this issue is simply to just get rid of junk food and eat healthier/exercise. This will almost guarantee a change in your body weight and will decrease obesity. As you can see, obesity is a life threatening thing that people all over the world suffer from, and my modest proposal should be considered by many to put an end to obesity worldwide.
Dear EA Sports Headquarters,
As you already know, you are a very famous and successful business with a lot of money and power. Most of this money however, is being received through the purchase of a certain video game (FIFA 14). This video game is very amusing and entertaining. I am personally a huge fan of the FIFA series and I encourage you to continue in making more FIFA games in the future. Let me start by addressing the issue. As I woke up one Saturday morning, feeling lazy, I decided to sit on my couch and play some FIFA 14. This is what most of my “lazy days” consist of. I was about to hop on a thrilling game of Ultimate Team, when all of a sudden, I lost connection to the EA servers. This has become an issue almost every week and it is very annoying and stressful. All I want to do is enjoy my Saturday mornings playing FIFA, but it is seemingly impossible considering how many times I (randomly) disconnect from the EA servers. I am not the only person who is experiencing this as well. Most of my friends, if not all, have experienced this same issue at least once during their FIFA experience. As you probably know, many people are very addicted to FIFA and the series is a smash-hit in the world of gaming. I am one of these people who take the game very seriously, and you can probably imagine how stressful it is being disconnected from the servers every other day. I just want to be able to physically play the game without a message popping up on my TV screen saying: “you have been disconnected from the EA servers. Please try to log in at a later time. We are sorry for the inconvenience.” I don’t think you are actually “sorry for the inconvenience”, and if you were then you would do something about it. I have been an amazing customer to you for years and I have spent a countless amount of money on Player Packs and the game itself. All I ask is for you to put some time into solving this issue so that the many FIFA lovers of the world including myself, can play whenever they want to play, without being disconnected from the servers. Thank you.
I could not bear to see this ugly man. He had just moved here from Arizona and supposedly enjoyed playing soccer like me and the rest of my friends. He wasn't very good though. In fact, he was terrible. The shape of his face bothered me and his presence just fueled my temper. All of my friends loved him however. They were always hanging out with this man and playing soccer with him. They have completely ditched me. They blew me off for some ugly guy who sucks at soccer. Soon they spent every day hanging out with this man. The more I think about him the more my boiling temper rises. What’s so special about this man? I tried not to think about it. My friends asked me to go play a pick-up game of soccer with them like we have always done, just the four of us. But then as I walked closer, I looked up to discover the unpleasant view of the ugly beast that stood before me. That man was right there playing soccer with MY friends. When I asked to join they told me I couldn't because the teams would be uneven.
It was officially the worst day of my life. My friends betrayed me. They plain out ditched me for some ugly freak. I knew what I had to do. I had to confront them about how I felt. The next day I told them to stop being friends with this man, but they kept saying that Apollo was cool and they liked to hang out with him. I decided to ponder around town, aimlessly walking, trying to think of a way to end this. There were so many emotion rapidly dispersing out of my mind. I couldn't explain the way I felt even if I tried. The only thing I was sure of is that I need to do something to fix this. As I got home, I laid in bed and thought of the perfect plan. I was going to have all my friends over and end this for good. The next morning I decided to invite everyone over including Apollo. We were going to watch the final of the world cup. As we were all sitting there on my couch cheering on the team we wanted to win, all of my friends had to leave because they all had homework. Apollo did not however and he decided to stay alone with me and watch the world cup. I was not looking forward to this at all, but it was phase one of my plan.
We were both starving and even thought I hated the man, I decided to order pizza for both of us. We got two large cheese pizzas and devoured them instantly. The man looked at me and said “thank you very much for buying me pizza and allowing me to watch the world cup at your house”. I slowly replied with a soft “you’re welcome” and we continued to watch the game. Being from the US we both supported USA for soccer and in this world cup, they were in the finals. It was the 90th minute and the US had a free kick against Germany. Before we knew it they had scored and won the game 1-0. Apollo and I were hugging and cheering with grins on our faces.
I hate to say it, but I was having a great time with Apollo. But soon I snapped out of it and remembered why I had him come over my house in the first place. The man was distracted by the television so I told him I had to go to the bathroom. I then grabbed my baseball bat as I came down the stairs. I slowly snuck behind him and winded up for a blow to the back of his head! But something stopped me. I couldn't do it. I realized that he was actually a very nice man and I had a lot of fun hanging out with him. Just as I was about to hit him with the bat, it slowly slipped from my hands and there was a soft thump.